A Baby Brother for Dolce

So Art and I had been contemplating getting a male companion for Dolce. We met him and two of his litter mates on Saturday, and he made an immediate beeline for her. "Hi!" he seemed to say. "HIHIHI! Wanna play? I love you! When I grow up I'm gonna marry you! HI!" Dolce's reaction was, "WTF?!" But she was gentle and kind and seemed to really like him, so we brought him home.

We haven't fixed on a name yet, but the neighbor kids call him Ace. I like Max myself, but we'll see what fits. Max/Ace is a 6-week old American Staffordshire Terrier pup we scored off a guy who didn't spay his female or neuter his male and is now frantically searching for homes for nine puppies. This little guy is very cute, and he and Dolce seem to already love each other. After only a couple of days they cry if they can't see each other and not be together, and before we put their crates next to each other, he screamed and screamed. Now that they are together, he seems a lot happier and he reaches through the crate to smack Dolce in the face. She loves it.

I was surprised that Dolce was such a good sport about everything. She shares her toys, lets him eat and drink out of her bowls, and she herds him if he starts to wander around. She tries to scruff him but isn't quite sure how and ends up just shoving him around with her face. Outside she runs circles around him and they play quite happily. I am glad that when he gets bigger, she will have someone to play with that can keep up with her. Despite the lack of sleep and potty training, we are glad we brought him home.

His first visit to the vet went pretty well. In spite of the most impressive case of intestinal worms I have EVER seen in a dog, he is pretty healthy and now has his vaccinations scheduled. We'll get him neutered when he's six months, get a chip in him, and get him licensed. He doesn't know what a lucky little son of a gun he is.

At this point, I am just pleased we were able to give a needy pup a home, get Dolce a friend, and us a new family member. We're chock full now. And like I said three animals ago, NO MORE PETS!

Triggers

I received a “Save the Date” card the other day. The betrothed is my adoptive father’s brother. No, he is not my uncle. Nor is he my family or friend. This is a man who, as a boy, bullied, taunted, and abused me to the point where I wanted to either be invisible or dead. I suffered relentless humiliation and defeat at the hands of this boy. He could do no wrong, and there was no protection from it, not from his witnessing friends who jeered alongside him, or from the adults who should have put a stop to it. Some of them even laughed with him, and the others did nothing to stop it.

Hate is a strong word. It means to feel hostility or animosity toward; to detest; to feel dislike or distaste. Do I hate this person? I am ashamed to say that I do. Hating him only hurts me, and only proves that he can continue to hurt me. That door on that family has been shut for many years, but thinking about it still gives me unpleasant physical reactions. Do I hate his mother for not stopping it? Yes. She saw it happening. She saw him hit, humiliate, tease, bully. And she laughed. She was clear in expressing that I was not family to her and that I didn’t count. So yes, I hate her.

Most of the time, I am indifferent toward these people. But sometimes things, like a save-the-date (which I immediately trashed by the way) or hypocritical holiday greeting card, trigger the old feelings. Thinking about these people makes me feel bad. Being around them makes me feel bad. Thinking about the past makes me feel bad. So I have spent a lot of time trying to heal from this painful part of my childhood. I don’t understand why the mother has to send me Christmas cards wishing me a happy holiday season. Does she think I don’t remember? That she blamed me for making him hit me? That she detested me for not being white? I’ve never sent her a card back, and when I receive something from her I just throw it away. I don’t need to read her newsletter, or know anything about her. I just wish she would leave me alone.

I’m an adult now, but I still check on my inner child. A couple of years ago I saw her as a homeless child, dressed in rags and huddling under the seats in a subway station. People spat on her, ignored her, pushed her around, ignored her outstretched arms beseeching help. But she’s been poking her head out and on many occasions has wandered aboveground in an effort to become part of a world that's forgotten about her. Her defenses are still up, but she’s come a long way from hiding under those seats.

Things that happen to us affect who we are – some for the good, some for the bad. I hope that someday the little girl will be able to shake it off and run free in a field of grass and daisies in a pretty dress. I will take her by the hand, hug and kiss her, and protect her. She will pick flowers, sing, and dance. And dance. And dance.

Stickin' M'neck Out

Those who know about my childhood know that I spent a lot of it trying to be invisible. Then I spent most of my adulthood trying to remain unseen. With therapy, time, and healing, I have broken out of my shell a lot in the past year. Now the girl who wanted to be invisible wants to be seen!

I auditioned for a part in A Christmas Carol with the Glendale Centre Theatre last night. My friend April gave me the info, so I called and booked a time. When I got there and saw all the women - most younger and WAY prettier - lining the hallway, I thought, "Why did I think I could do this?" and almost walked out. But then the monitor told me to take a seat in a backroom where it was air conditioned, gave me a choice of parts to read, and bumped my reading up so I didn't have to wait very long.

The part was a cockney charwoman (a woman hired to do cleaning and menial work), and I had a lot of fun with it. The accent was the easy part as I like to talk in funny accents all the time (thank goodness for BBC), but I was nervous. The director said it was very nice, and as I was walking out, I heard one of the readers say, "That was a really fun one," so maybe! There were a lot of people auditioning for this show, and I wanted to read for Mrs. Cratchit, but things will work out the way they will, and I'm just glad I did it. Plus it was a good challenge to read.

Call backs are tomorrow, so I hope to find out today. Fingers crossed!

Been Too Long!

I realize it has been almost a month since I posted anything. So long that it took me a minute to remember my username and password! There hasn't really been so much going on that I can't blog, I have just found myself tired and lazy. But here's what's up.

My friends April, Sylvia and Riley took me with them to see The Book of Mormon - and it was brilliant! The singing, dancing, raucous humor and genius spoke to me so profoundly that it made me think about organized religion and what turns me off so much about it. Although they do make fun of Mormons, I think it is more a jab at the shortcomings of weak human beings as well as our own arrogance and lack of perspective. I really enjoyed it and am grateful for the opportunity to have seen it.

On Monday, I am auditioning for Glendale Centre Theatre's production of A Christmas Carol. When I was a kid, a played an orphan/singer/dancer, so it would be great to be able to play in this as an adult. We'll see what I get - I would like to be one of those people who just wants to audition for the experience of auditioning, but my fragile ego really wants to be cast.

I joined a vanpool. My commute is 60 miles, so not having to drive has been awesome. It is a lot less on gas, I am not killing my car, and I get an extra hour or two of sleep. It's wonderful. Yesterday I had to drive myself, and I had forgotten how much it sucks!

In a couple of weeks we might be welcoming a new family member. We got a line on a little boy pit bull (we already have a female), and might be able to take him home. There is too much love for just one, and we sure love the one we have. Best dogs ever.

Ok, that's it. Go back to the work you're pretending to do.