Another Thanksgiving is upon us, and there are a lot of things I am thankful for. Family, friends, having a life where I don't have to experience the horrors of the world. There is so much going on out there, and it's really scary. I wonder what the world is coming to, sometimes. Terrible things are in the news, people are homeless and hungry, homes are being destroyed, on and on and on. I would like to think I have perspective, but when I grumble about petty things, I realize I don't really, and thank my lucky stars that all I have to grumble about are petty things.
That being said, I haven't much cared for the holidays in the past. The holidays of my youth were spent with a stepfamily that treated me like crap. It was a drag and I was always glad when it was over and real life could resume. When we lost the kids, I looked upon the holidays with sadness and dread. It is such a cruel reminder of what was taken away from us, and it is a hole that cannot possibly be filled.
This year might be different. Although I miss the kids terribly, the pain and dread are not as acute as they have been in the past. I feel like I can breathe a little. My family is estranged, and I have come to terms with it; and have chosen a new family with which I can be myself. The realization of what a glorious gift that is hit me like a thunderbolt the other day, and I am so glad, lucky, and privileged to have these people in my life.
There will always be reminders and traces of ghosts over the holiday season. But I think this one will be an improvement on last year, and I think they will get better still.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The Morning After
Halloween usually doesn't do much for me. It's usually any other day with the exception of giving out candy to the costumed trick-or-treaters in the evening. I eat my dinner and go to bed, just like normal.
Things were different this year. Our department decided to dress up this year and decorate with a comic book store/super hero theme. My friend JD and I pretty much came up with the decoration concepts and made the department look like a comic book store. Another group made a door that looked great. Everyone chose a character and we decorated our own cubes as the lair of our chosen hero. Seeing as there is no way I would dress up as Wonder Woman, or Black Widow, or Super Girl, I chose The Punisher. Dusted off my pleather boots, broke out the trenchcoat, applied copious amounts of eye makeup and donned my skull t-shirt. I felt pretty badass.
HR had a costume contest, department decoration contest, guess the number of candy corns in a jar, and guess the weight of the pumpkin. When Willy Wonka was named the runner up, I knew we were going to win because I thought their display was very nice - and we did! A catered lunch for the whole department, thanks to me and JD! And yes, I DO take the credit. Mwa haha!
Things were different this year. Our department decided to dress up this year and decorate with a comic book store/super hero theme. My friend JD and I pretty much came up with the decoration concepts and made the department look like a comic book store. Another group made a door that looked great. Everyone chose a character and we decorated our own cubes as the lair of our chosen hero. Seeing as there is no way I would dress up as Wonder Woman, or Black Widow, or Super Girl, I chose The Punisher. Dusted off my pleather boots, broke out the trenchcoat, applied copious amounts of eye makeup and donned my skull t-shirt. I felt pretty badass.
HR had a costume contest, department decoration contest, guess the number of candy corns in a jar, and guess the weight of the pumpkin. When Willy Wonka was named the runner up, I knew we were going to win because I thought their display was very nice - and we did! A catered lunch for the whole department, thanks to me and JD! And yes, I DO take the credit. Mwa haha!
Me as The Punisher
A great sign JD made
My geek sale sign
One of the display walls
We're going to have to think of something really good for next year. Maybe Monty Python's Holy Grail or something equally appalling. It is something to look forward to!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
A Baby Brother for Dolce
So Art and I had been contemplating getting a male companion for Dolce. We met him and two of his litter mates on Saturday, and he made an immediate beeline for her. "Hi!" he seemed to say. "HIHIHI! Wanna play? I love you! When I grow up I'm gonna marry you! HI!" Dolce's reaction was, "WTF?!" But she was gentle and kind and seemed to really like him, so we brought him home.
We haven't fixed on a name yet, but the neighbor kids call him Ace. I like Max myself, but we'll see what fits. Max/Ace is a 6-week old American Staffordshire Terrier pup we scored off a guy who didn't spay his female or neuter his male and is now frantically searching for homes for nine puppies. This little guy is very cute, and he and Dolce seem to already love each other. After only a couple of days they cry if they can't see each other and not be together, and before we put their crates next to each other, he screamed and screamed. Now that they are together, he seems a lot happier and he reaches through the crate to smack Dolce in the face. She loves it.
I was surprised that Dolce was such a good sport about everything. She shares her toys, lets him eat and drink out of her bowls, and she herds him if he starts to wander around. She tries to scruff him but isn't quite sure how and ends up just shoving him around with her face. Outside she runs circles around him and they play quite happily. I am glad that when he gets bigger, she will have someone to play with that can keep up with her. Despite the lack of sleep and potty training, we are glad we brought him home.
His first visit to the vet went pretty well. In spite of the most impressive case of intestinal worms I have EVER seen in a dog, he is pretty healthy and now has his vaccinations scheduled. We'll get him neutered when he's six months, get a chip in him, and get him licensed. He doesn't know what a lucky little son of a gun he is.
At this point, I am just pleased we were able to give a needy pup a home, get Dolce a friend, and us a new family member. We're chock full now. And like I said three animals ago, NO MORE PETS!
We haven't fixed on a name yet, but the neighbor kids call him Ace. I like Max myself, but we'll see what fits. Max/Ace is a 6-week old American Staffordshire Terrier pup we scored off a guy who didn't spay his female or neuter his male and is now frantically searching for homes for nine puppies. This little guy is very cute, and he and Dolce seem to already love each other. After only a couple of days they cry if they can't see each other and not be together, and before we put their crates next to each other, he screamed and screamed. Now that they are together, he seems a lot happier and he reaches through the crate to smack Dolce in the face. She loves it.
I was surprised that Dolce was such a good sport about everything. She shares her toys, lets him eat and drink out of her bowls, and she herds him if he starts to wander around. She tries to scruff him but isn't quite sure how and ends up just shoving him around with her face. Outside she runs circles around him and they play quite happily. I am glad that when he gets bigger, she will have someone to play with that can keep up with her. Despite the lack of sleep and potty training, we are glad we brought him home.
His first visit to the vet went pretty well. In spite of the most impressive case of intestinal worms I have EVER seen in a dog, he is pretty healthy and now has his vaccinations scheduled. We'll get him neutered when he's six months, get a chip in him, and get him licensed. He doesn't know what a lucky little son of a gun he is.
At this point, I am just pleased we were able to give a needy pup a home, get Dolce a friend, and us a new family member. We're chock full now. And like I said three animals ago, NO MORE PETS!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Triggers
I received a “Save the Date” card the other day. The betrothed is my adoptive father’s brother. No, he is not my uncle. Nor is he my family or friend. This is a man who, as a boy, bullied, taunted, and abused me to the point where I wanted to either be invisible or dead. I suffered relentless humiliation and defeat at the hands of this boy. He could do no wrong, and there was no protection from it, not from his witnessing friends who jeered alongside him, or from the adults who should have put a stop to it. Some of them even laughed with him, and the others did nothing to stop it.
Hate is a strong word. It means to feel hostility or animosity toward; to detest; to feel dislike or distaste. Do I hate this person? I am ashamed to say that I do. Hating him only hurts me, and only proves that he can continue to hurt me. That door on that family has been shut for many years, but thinking about it still gives me unpleasant physical reactions. Do I hate his mother for not stopping it? Yes. She saw it happening. She saw him hit, humiliate, tease, bully. And she laughed. She was clear in expressing that I was not family to her and that I didn’t count. So yes, I hate her.
Most of the time, I am indifferent toward these people. But sometimes things, like a save-the-date (which I immediately trashed by the way) or hypocritical holiday greeting card, trigger the old feelings. Thinking about these people makes me feel bad. Being around them makes me feel bad. Thinking about the past makes me feel bad. So I have spent a lot of time trying to heal from this painful part of my childhood. I don’t understand why the mother has to send me Christmas cards wishing me a happy holiday season. Does she think I don’t remember? That she blamed me for making him hit me? That she detested me for not being white? I’ve never sent her a card back, and when I receive something from her I just throw it away. I don’t need to read her newsletter, or know anything about her. I just wish she would leave me alone.
I’m an adult now, but I still check on my inner child. A couple of years ago I saw her as a homeless child, dressed in rags and huddling under the seats in a subway station. People spat on her, ignored her, pushed her around, ignored her outstretched arms beseeching help. But she’s been poking her head out and on many occasions has wandered aboveground in an effort to become part of a world that's forgotten about her. Her defenses are still up, but she’s come a long way from hiding under those seats.
Things that happen to us affect who we are – some for the good, some for the bad. I hope that someday the little girl will be able to shake it off and run free in a field of grass and daisies in a pretty dress. I will take her by the hand, hug and kiss her, and protect her. She will pick flowers, sing, and dance. And dance. And dance.
Hate is a strong word. It means to feel hostility or animosity toward; to detest; to feel dislike or distaste. Do I hate this person? I am ashamed to say that I do. Hating him only hurts me, and only proves that he can continue to hurt me. That door on that family has been shut for many years, but thinking about it still gives me unpleasant physical reactions. Do I hate his mother for not stopping it? Yes. She saw it happening. She saw him hit, humiliate, tease, bully. And she laughed. She was clear in expressing that I was not family to her and that I didn’t count. So yes, I hate her.
Most of the time, I am indifferent toward these people. But sometimes things, like a save-the-date (which I immediately trashed by the way) or hypocritical holiday greeting card, trigger the old feelings. Thinking about these people makes me feel bad. Being around them makes me feel bad. Thinking about the past makes me feel bad. So I have spent a lot of time trying to heal from this painful part of my childhood. I don’t understand why the mother has to send me Christmas cards wishing me a happy holiday season. Does she think I don’t remember? That she blamed me for making him hit me? That she detested me for not being white? I’ve never sent her a card back, and when I receive something from her I just throw it away. I don’t need to read her newsletter, or know anything about her. I just wish she would leave me alone.
I’m an adult now, but I still check on my inner child. A couple of years ago I saw her as a homeless child, dressed in rags and huddling under the seats in a subway station. People spat on her, ignored her, pushed her around, ignored her outstretched arms beseeching help. But she’s been poking her head out and on many occasions has wandered aboveground in an effort to become part of a world that's forgotten about her. Her defenses are still up, but she’s come a long way from hiding under those seats.
Things that happen to us affect who we are – some for the good, some for the bad. I hope that someday the little girl will be able to shake it off and run free in a field of grass and daisies in a pretty dress. I will take her by the hand, hug and kiss her, and protect her. She will pick flowers, sing, and dance. And dance. And dance.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Stickin' M'neck Out
Those who know about my childhood know that I spent a lot of it trying to be invisible. Then I spent most of my adulthood trying to remain unseen. With therapy, time, and healing, I have broken out of my shell a lot in the past year. Now the girl who wanted to be invisible wants to be seen!
I auditioned for a part in A Christmas Carol with the Glendale Centre Theatre last night. My friend April gave me the info, so I called and booked a time. When I got there and saw all the women - most younger and WAY prettier - lining the hallway, I thought, "Why did I think I could do this?" and almost walked out. But then the monitor told me to take a seat in a backroom where it was air conditioned, gave me a choice of parts to read, and bumped my reading up so I didn't have to wait very long.
The part was a cockney charwoman (a woman hired to do cleaning and menial work), and I had a lot of fun with it. The accent was the easy part as I like to talk in funny accents all the time (thank goodness for BBC), but I was nervous. The director said it was very nice, and as I was walking out, I heard one of the readers say, "That was a really fun one," so maybe! There were a lot of people auditioning for this show, and I wanted to read for Mrs. Cratchit, but things will work out the way they will, and I'm just glad I did it. Plus it was a good challenge to read.
Call backs are tomorrow, so I hope to find out today. Fingers crossed!
I auditioned for a part in A Christmas Carol with the Glendale Centre Theatre last night. My friend April gave me the info, so I called and booked a time. When I got there and saw all the women - most younger and WAY prettier - lining the hallway, I thought, "Why did I think I could do this?" and almost walked out. But then the monitor told me to take a seat in a backroom where it was air conditioned, gave me a choice of parts to read, and bumped my reading up so I didn't have to wait very long.
The part was a cockney charwoman (a woman hired to do cleaning and menial work), and I had a lot of fun with it. The accent was the easy part as I like to talk in funny accents all the time (thank goodness for BBC), but I was nervous. The director said it was very nice, and as I was walking out, I heard one of the readers say, "That was a really fun one," so maybe! There were a lot of people auditioning for this show, and I wanted to read for Mrs. Cratchit, but things will work out the way they will, and I'm just glad I did it. Plus it was a good challenge to read.
Call backs are tomorrow, so I hope to find out today. Fingers crossed!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Been Too Long!
I realize it has been almost a month since I posted anything. So long that it took me a minute to remember my username and password! There hasn't really been so much going on that I can't blog, I have just found myself tired and lazy. But here's what's up.
My friends April, Sylvia and Riley took me with them to see The Book of Mormon - and it was brilliant! The singing, dancing, raucous humor and genius spoke to me so profoundly that it made me think about organized religion and what turns me off so much about it. Although they do make fun of Mormons, I think it is more a jab at the shortcomings of weak human beings as well as our own arrogance and lack of perspective. I really enjoyed it and am grateful for the opportunity to have seen it.
On Monday, I am auditioning for Glendale Centre Theatre's production of A Christmas Carol. When I was a kid, a played an orphan/singer/dancer, so it would be great to be able to play in this as an adult. We'll see what I get - I would like to be one of those people who just wants to audition for the experience of auditioning, but my fragile ego really wants to be cast.
I joined a vanpool. My commute is 60 miles, so not having to drive has been awesome. It is a lot less on gas, I am not killing my car, and I get an extra hour or two of sleep. It's wonderful. Yesterday I had to drive myself, and I had forgotten how much it sucks!
In a couple of weeks we might be welcoming a new family member. We got a line on a little boy pit bull (we already have a female), and might be able to take him home. There is too much love for just one, and we sure love the one we have. Best dogs ever.
Ok, that's it. Go back to the work you're pretending to do.
My friends April, Sylvia and Riley took me with them to see The Book of Mormon - and it was brilliant! The singing, dancing, raucous humor and genius spoke to me so profoundly that it made me think about organized religion and what turns me off so much about it. Although they do make fun of Mormons, I think it is more a jab at the shortcomings of weak human beings as well as our own arrogance and lack of perspective. I really enjoyed it and am grateful for the opportunity to have seen it.
On Monday, I am auditioning for Glendale Centre Theatre's production of A Christmas Carol. When I was a kid, a played an orphan/singer/dancer, so it would be great to be able to play in this as an adult. We'll see what I get - I would like to be one of those people who just wants to audition for the experience of auditioning, but my fragile ego really wants to be cast.
I joined a vanpool. My commute is 60 miles, so not having to drive has been awesome. It is a lot less on gas, I am not killing my car, and I get an extra hour or two of sleep. It's wonderful. Yesterday I had to drive myself, and I had forgotten how much it sucks!
In a couple of weeks we might be welcoming a new family member. We got a line on a little boy pit bull (we already have a female), and might be able to take him home. There is too much love for just one, and we sure love the one we have. Best dogs ever.
Ok, that's it. Go back to the work you're pretending to do.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Evolution of a Beef Bourgignon
Beef bourgignon is considered French peasant food, but I prefer to call it Beef bourgin-YUM! Or manna from heaven. This dish is fairly simple, but yields delicious tender meat in a lovely thick broth that can be served over pasta, rice, mashed potatoes, or anything you wish.
A couple of notes:
1) Cook with a wine you would drink, not a wine you guzzle when you are weeping alone. It doesn't have to be great wine, but you don't want terrible wine, either.
2) You can use a really cheap cut of meat for this dish, which is nice. It will break down and be tender.
3) This freezes really well.
First, get your stew meat. I don't know how much, just whatever you would make for your family. I generally use clod steak or whatever is on special and trim the fat and gristle off. Then I cube it into large bite sizes.
In a bowl, put in some flour and a generous amount of garlic salt and pepper. Toss the beef in it until well coated. You want enough flour so that you can make a roux with the leftover flour.
In a deep, heavy pan, brown the meat in a little oil on at least 2 sides until crusty. This adds a nice flavor, and the lovely brown bits on the bottom of the pan deglaze wonderfully.
Remove the meat from the pan. In the flour bowl, add some red wine or beef stock and whisk until smooth.
Prepare your herbs.
Add some red wine and broth to the pot until it simmers, then add the flour mixture. Bring to a simmer.
Add your herbs. I like Italian seasoning, fresh rosemary (since it grows in the yard and won't effing die), bay leaf, and whatever else is on hand.
Add a small bag of frozen pearl onions, a bag of baby carrots, and the meat, and bring to a simmer. Make sure there is enough liquid to cover all of the ingredients.
Throw the lot into a crock pot and set it on low for 6 hours. Or braise in the pot for 4 hours at 350.
This is what it looks like when you open the pot.
Serve over mashed potatoes or pasta, and attack with your face.
A couple of notes:
1) Cook with a wine you would drink, not a wine you guzzle when you are weeping alone. It doesn't have to be great wine, but you don't want terrible wine, either.
2) You can use a really cheap cut of meat for this dish, which is nice. It will break down and be tender.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Final Curtain Call
Yesterday's matinee was the last showing of The Music Man, and it was bittersweet. I will miss working with the people I have met (most of them, anyway), and I miss the learning and fun. Perhaps this is just a sign of things to come and something else interesting will come my way. I hope so.
Not only did I learn a lot about musical theater, but about life in general. It made me recognize some ugly things about myself, but showed me some good as well. One thing I learned is that my own judgementalness is going to cripple me if I don't get a handle on it. Assumptions I made about people, with one exception, were wrong. They were always negative and hurtful, and I am a little ashamed of myself. Some things were validated, and I am a little ashamed of the smug satisfaction I got from that. However, my eyes are a little more open now, and I hope that I learned the lesson. There will always be people that bring out the ugly in me, but I am hoping I will turn that ugly into something productive.
I am also a little bugged that I didn't stand up to someone that was bullying the kids - an adult. A female adult. She liked to manhandle them and boss them around, and even though I told the director, it never really got better and I got more and more frustrated. It really took a lot of the experience away from me, and I can't allow that to happen in the future.
There were a lot more good things that came out of this. I have not felt like I am part of a team in a long time. This production was a huge team, and I was embraced, despite my lack of experience, as a full-fledged member. We were all trusted to do that which we needed to do to make the production run smoothly, and I am proud to have done my part. I got to meet and make new friends, which is extremely difficult for me due to a lot of confidence and trust issues. My heart has been slammed shut for a long time, but it's starting to open again, along with my eyes and my mind.
The Stepping Stone Players was a safe environment in which to step back onto the stage. I hope to continue on with them, as much as I hope to continue on my journey of self discovery.
Not only did I learn a lot about musical theater, but about life in general. It made me recognize some ugly things about myself, but showed me some good as well. One thing I learned is that my own judgementalness is going to cripple me if I don't get a handle on it. Assumptions I made about people, with one exception, were wrong. They were always negative and hurtful, and I am a little ashamed of myself. Some things were validated, and I am a little ashamed of the smug satisfaction I got from that. However, my eyes are a little more open now, and I hope that I learned the lesson. There will always be people that bring out the ugly in me, but I am hoping I will turn that ugly into something productive.
I am also a little bugged that I didn't stand up to someone that was bullying the kids - an adult. A female adult. She liked to manhandle them and boss them around, and even though I told the director, it never really got better and I got more and more frustrated. It really took a lot of the experience away from me, and I can't allow that to happen in the future.
There were a lot more good things that came out of this. I have not felt like I am part of a team in a long time. This production was a huge team, and I was embraced, despite my lack of experience, as a full-fledged member. We were all trusted to do that which we needed to do to make the production run smoothly, and I am proud to have done my part. I got to meet and make new friends, which is extremely difficult for me due to a lot of confidence and trust issues. My heart has been slammed shut for a long time, but it's starting to open again, along with my eyes and my mind.
The Stepping Stone Players was a safe environment in which to step back onto the stage. I hope to continue on with them, as much as I hope to continue on my journey of self discovery.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Opening Night!
Tonight's the night! The Music Man opens with a performance at 7 p.m. If any of my thousands of loyal readers would like to come, you can get discount tickets here by using code "MMCast". Am I nervous? Not yet ... but the jitters will come in time.
This has been an amazing experience. I, the woman who wanted to be invisible, got way out of my comfort zone and made a huge time commitment that has me pretty worn out. But it's a great energy, I am working with really nice people, and I have made new friends.
One thing that has really stood out during this experience has been the talent of the kids involved. The older ones are so nice to the younger ones and help them out. They are all pretty together and make their cues, say their lines, and are a lot of fun to be around. As I am growing, I am honored to see them growing as well. In general, I am pretty awkward and uncomfortable around kids. My mom is a high school teacher, and the students (grossly generalizing) are disrespectful, foul-mouthed, and uncooperative. Every time I help her chaperone, I am amazed that she's not in jail. Working with the kids in this musical has been a completely different experience, and it has definitely shown me a perspective on the youth of today that I had forgotten exists. Recognizing that it is a different demographic is important, but I am grateful still, particularly because my eyes, mind, and heart are a little more open than they have been in a long time. These kids have worked so hard and even though they're not mine, I'm really proud of each and every one of them.
That being said, I'll see you at the curtain call! Break a leg, everyone!
This has been an amazing experience. I, the woman who wanted to be invisible, got way out of my comfort zone and made a huge time commitment that has me pretty worn out. But it's a great energy, I am working with really nice people, and I have made new friends.
One thing that has really stood out during this experience has been the talent of the kids involved. The older ones are so nice to the younger ones and help them out. They are all pretty together and make their cues, say their lines, and are a lot of fun to be around. As I am growing, I am honored to see them growing as well. In general, I am pretty awkward and uncomfortable around kids. My mom is a high school teacher, and the students (grossly generalizing) are disrespectful, foul-mouthed, and uncooperative. Every time I help her chaperone, I am amazed that she's not in jail. Working with the kids in this musical has been a completely different experience, and it has definitely shown me a perspective on the youth of today that I had forgotten exists. Recognizing that it is a different demographic is important, but I am grateful still, particularly because my eyes, mind, and heart are a little more open than they have been in a long time. These kids have worked so hard and even though they're not mine, I'm really proud of each and every one of them.
That being said, I'll see you at the curtain call! Break a leg, everyone!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Moving Violation!
I got pulled over this morning for turning off my GPS. Yes, turning off the GPS. The cop insists I was on the phone. When I told him that and showed him my GPS, he said that I was on the phone and wrote the ticket anyway. Then he had the nerve to tell me to drive safely. My driving record is pristine, despite a 50 mile one-way daily commute.
As a long-time proponent of law enforcement, I find myself continuously disappointed when I deal with them one on one. I know they're jaded and deal with the worst in humanity, and I know it's a hard job. But that doesn't mean they can't acknowledge a mistake. Quite frankly, they have never been around when I really needed them and when I had to find my cousins, they gave me the complete runaround, but the one time I do something even remotely questionable, I get pulled over and ticketed. The last time I got pulled over, which, mind you, was 9 YEARS AGO, I totally deserved it, and I paid my dues. This ticket was totally unnecessary, and I'll be fighting it.
The phone records indicate I was neither on the phone nor texting. My driving record is immaculate. The records have been printed and put in a folder along with a copy of the code, and I have marked the date in my calendar. All you had to do was acknowledge the mistake and issue a warning, but now I'll see you in court.
You messed with the wrong Asian.
As a long-time proponent of law enforcement, I find myself continuously disappointed when I deal with them one on one. I know they're jaded and deal with the worst in humanity, and I know it's a hard job. But that doesn't mean they can't acknowledge a mistake. Quite frankly, they have never been around when I really needed them and when I had to find my cousins, they gave me the complete runaround, but the one time I do something even remotely questionable, I get pulled over and ticketed. The last time I got pulled over, which, mind you, was 9 YEARS AGO, I totally deserved it, and I paid my dues. This ticket was totally unnecessary, and I'll be fighting it.
The phone records indicate I was neither on the phone nor texting. My driving record is immaculate. The records have been printed and put in a folder along with a copy of the code, and I have marked the date in my calendar. All you had to do was acknowledge the mistake and issue a warning, but now I'll see you in court.
You messed with the wrong Asian.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I Miss Them
It's coming up. I dread it every year. The day I got the call, the day I had to call the police and the hospitals trying to find my cousins. Having to tell my mother and my cousin that they were gone.
On August 27, 2008, My aunt's three children, Cristyn, Toni Marie, and Andrew, Cristyn's boyfriend Carlos, and their good friend Jason decided to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. Cristyn was at almost full-term pregnancy at the time. As she drove, she got caught between two cars that were allegedly racing, so she sped up to get out of the way. One of the drivers hit her, and her car struck a tree, killing her, the baby, Toni Marie, and Jason instantly. Andrew succumbed to his injuries the two days later.
The extended family, already tenuous at best, has since fallen apart. My Aunt and Uncle continue to be inconsolable, and understandably so. The house looks like a shrine - photos of the kids are everywhere, and grief hangs heavy. The counseling has helped, but it will never be the same as it was, and I sometimes feel so sad that I don't know how I will get out of it. Time has healed a lot, but the scars will never fade.
This has made me appreciate my life a lot more. I was hoping it would help solidify my familial relationships, but the opposite has happened and I am rarely in contact with any of them. There is only so much effort you can make, and only so many times you can be slapped in the face before you decide it's not worth it. There are moments where I remember them and the heartache overwhelms me, but I have more better days than not, and I try to remember the good times we shared.
I don't know what I believe about the afterlife. I don't know if I will ever see them again outside of my dreams, but they are always in my heart, and forever ingrained in my soul.
But God damn it, I miss them.
On August 27, 2008, My aunt's three children, Cristyn, Toni Marie, and Andrew, Cristyn's boyfriend Carlos, and their good friend Jason decided to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. Cristyn was at almost full-term pregnancy at the time. As she drove, she got caught between two cars that were allegedly racing, so she sped up to get out of the way. One of the drivers hit her, and her car struck a tree, killing her, the baby, Toni Marie, and Jason instantly. Andrew succumbed to his injuries the two days later.
The extended family, already tenuous at best, has since fallen apart. My Aunt and Uncle continue to be inconsolable, and understandably so. The house looks like a shrine - photos of the kids are everywhere, and grief hangs heavy. The counseling has helped, but it will never be the same as it was, and I sometimes feel so sad that I don't know how I will get out of it. Time has healed a lot, but the scars will never fade.
This has made me appreciate my life a lot more. I was hoping it would help solidify my familial relationships, but the opposite has happened and I am rarely in contact with any of them. There is only so much effort you can make, and only so many times you can be slapped in the face before you decide it's not worth it. There are moments where I remember them and the heartache overwhelms me, but I have more better days than not, and I try to remember the good times we shared.
I don't know what I believe about the afterlife. I don't know if I will ever see them again outside of my dreams, but they are always in my heart, and forever ingrained in my soul.
But God damn it, I miss them.
Friday, August 3, 2012
10 Things Life Has Taught Me
Of course, there are a lot more, but this list is what is hitting me today.
1. Defensive driving saves lives. On my way to work, I avoided three accidents because I was paying attention and giving people space. Sometimes things people do on the freeway really scare me.
2. Having given up on my dreams, I still cannot accept my reality. It's time to reevaluate what is working, what isn't, and work to make some changes. And to rediscover the my dreams.
3. Not all pit bulls are bad. I have been bitten by one who was terribly neglected, and it was more a plea for attention than anything else. HOWEVER, I have been bitten by way more cocker spaniels, chihuahuas, dalmations, labs, and poodles than I ever was by a pit bull. I know what they are capable of, but this used to be America's favorite dog until people effed 'em up.
4. Someone, somewhere loves you. It may not be the way you need them to, but they do as much as they can.
5. Someone, somewhere, is tired of your crap. That has been happening to me a lot lately, again, making me reevaluate, not only myself, but my relationships.
6. Losing weight is making me feel better. I am now at a 20 pound loss. The physical changes, besides a smaller clothing size, have been a decrease in my arthritic symptoms and my increased ability to exercise. I hardly ever flare up anymore, and my skin has been looking really good. For once, I don't look at the mirror and cringe.
7. Flexibility is important if you want to survive. Things happen no matter how well and carefully you plan something. I am glad that, once the initial shock and dismay wear off, that I am pretty good at figuring out what to do next and can find compromise without freaking out too badly.
8. You can build your own family. This comes after acceptance that your biological family is not healthy and cannot give you what you need. My chosen family is small, but I know I can count on them and would do anything for them. Except share my cheesecake. Never get between an Asian girl and her food.
9. Life is too short to spend in the car. See #2.
10. Don't let your relationship with another person determine the value you hold for yourself. I have been with people who made me feel awful and people who made me feel great. The truth is, people should not make you feel anything about yourself, and I needed to decide that I was going to be worth something to myself. It was very empowering. I care about myself, body and spirit, and for the first time in my life am nurturing both.
What has life taught you?
1. Defensive driving saves lives. On my way to work, I avoided three accidents because I was paying attention and giving people space. Sometimes things people do on the freeway really scare me.
2. Having given up on my dreams, I still cannot accept my reality. It's time to reevaluate what is working, what isn't, and work to make some changes. And to rediscover the my dreams.
3. Not all pit bulls are bad. I have been bitten by one who was terribly neglected, and it was more a plea for attention than anything else. HOWEVER, I have been bitten by way more cocker spaniels, chihuahuas, dalmations, labs, and poodles than I ever was by a pit bull. I know what they are capable of, but this used to be America's favorite dog until people effed 'em up.
4. Someone, somewhere loves you. It may not be the way you need them to, but they do as much as they can.
5. Someone, somewhere, is tired of your crap. That has been happening to me a lot lately, again, making me reevaluate, not only myself, but my relationships.
6. Losing weight is making me feel better. I am now at a 20 pound loss. The physical changes, besides a smaller clothing size, have been a decrease in my arthritic symptoms and my increased ability to exercise. I hardly ever flare up anymore, and my skin has been looking really good. For once, I don't look at the mirror and cringe.
7. Flexibility is important if you want to survive. Things happen no matter how well and carefully you plan something. I am glad that, once the initial shock and dismay wear off, that I am pretty good at figuring out what to do next and can find compromise without freaking out too badly.
8. You can build your own family. This comes after acceptance that your biological family is not healthy and cannot give you what you need. My chosen family is small, but I know I can count on them and would do anything for them. Except share my cheesecake. Never get between an Asian girl and her food.
9. Life is too short to spend in the car. See #2.
10. Don't let your relationship with another person determine the value you hold for yourself. I have been with people who made me feel awful and people who made me feel great. The truth is, people should not make you feel anything about yourself, and I needed to decide that I was going to be worth something to myself. It was very empowering. I care about myself, body and spirit, and for the first time in my life am nurturing both.
What has life taught you?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Dolcedolcedolce
After almost two years of being dogless, we decided to try again. Dolce came home with us on March 25 at 7 weeks old. She is now almost 6 months and will be getting spayed on Monday.
A cuter, happier dog was never conceived.
7 weeks, 4lbs. She literally fit in the palm of Art's hand.
9 weeks
9 weeks. Note size of tennis ball vs. her head.
8 weeks
14 weeks
5 1/2 months
An Overdue Return
Hello after a long absence! I started a new blog, but then read through this one and thought what a shame it would be to waste it. So here I am, back in the saddle again! It's been a long time, so I will give a quick update to my thousands of fans.
Still work at the same place processing contracts. Graduated from the forensic investigation program and discovered I need either a chemistry or biology degree to do what I want. Blech. Graduated from Paralegal school at UCLA. Performing in The Music Man as a Pick-a-Little lady in August. Took my dream trip to Scotland and will post belated pics. Owner of a new pit bull, not the one I referenced before, named Dolce who is the sweetest dog ever. She gets spayed on Monday. Fairly estranged from the extended family as I am tired of their antics. Ok, enough of that.
In the world, Obama is campaigning for his second term, the 2012 Olympics are underway in London, and there are no more co-pays for contraception.
Otherwise, work and rehearsals have taken up so much time I don't know what is going on. But I am having beaucoup fun with the musical. It was the first thing I had auditioned for since I was 12 and I was terrified! Still, I got cast and am having a great time. I even made a new friend, April, who encouraged me to blog, which leads me to this post. I'm in love with her two daughters, too, lovely girls who are also in the musical. Who knew branching out would be such a good thing?
This blatant misuse of company time must end, but I will be posting more often. Keep a look out for a food section, a photo section, and general social commentary.
And a good day to you all.
Still work at the same place processing contracts. Graduated from the forensic investigation program and discovered I need either a chemistry or biology degree to do what I want. Blech. Graduated from Paralegal school at UCLA. Performing in The Music Man as a Pick-a-Little lady in August. Took my dream trip to Scotland and will post belated pics. Owner of a new pit bull, not the one I referenced before, named Dolce who is the sweetest dog ever. She gets spayed on Monday. Fairly estranged from the extended family as I am tired of their antics. Ok, enough of that.
In the world, Obama is campaigning for his second term, the 2012 Olympics are underway in London, and there are no more co-pays for contraception.
Otherwise, work and rehearsals have taken up so much time I don't know what is going on. But I am having beaucoup fun with the musical. It was the first thing I had auditioned for since I was 12 and I was terrified! Still, I got cast and am having a great time. I even made a new friend, April, who encouraged me to blog, which leads me to this post. I'm in love with her two daughters, too, lovely girls who are also in the musical. Who knew branching out would be such a good thing?
This blatant misuse of company time must end, but I will be posting more often. Keep a look out for a food section, a photo section, and general social commentary.
And a good day to you all.
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