Self Care

I've spent a lot of time lately taking care of other people's needs and have grossly disregarded my own. A couple of weeks ago I decided to take a more proactive role in my own self, starting with eating habits. Those of you who know me know I am a compulsive eater. Eating helps me when I'm stressed, sad, unhappy, angry, busy, and every negative emotion there is. I also eat to celebrate, show love, and spend time with people I love. And it shows. I have ballooned up from fit and athletic to "apple shaped." Apple shaped? Could that reallly have happened? Oh, dear Lord, how I've let myself go! Two weeks ago I took my eating habits in hand and started paying attention to everything I eat. I decided if I am buying something in the break room that I don't want others to see, then I shouldn't be eating it. There is something to writing down everything I eat, also. It makes me think, "Do I really want it immortalized that I ate this?" Particularly because I promised myself to be honest about it. Why lie to myself? Enough people in the world already do that enough, so it's up to me to be completely honest about it and take responsibility for what I've done to myself. Since I started doing this, I've lost six pounds, and hope it is just the start to something good. The Go For Broke Foundation, an organization that supports and celebrates military veterans of Japanese descent, is having its annual dinner in October, and I have a dress I would like to wear. It almost fits - almost - but I sure would like it to fit well. That would be a nice first goal, I think. Yes, that will do nicely.

To Do List

1. Put actions behind my dreams. 2. Have the faith in myself that my husband has in me. 3. Be as brave as my niece thinks I am. 4. Be the person my dog thinks I am. 5. Get my weight down to what I tell the DMV.

Recovery!

This has been a summer of extremes. From joy, to anger, from exhaustion to exuberance, it has been a roller coaster. I had my first experience co-producing a musical with a cast of 50, and it was ... well, let's say extreme. It started with auditions - my own included. I tried out for Mrs. Sowerberry, but didn't get it. I did, however, get cast as Mrs. Bedwin. A nice, albeit boring to play, housekeeper who bonds with Oliver. Then, the scheduling. Working around other people's schedules is difficult, especially when planning 7 weeks of rehearsals. It didn't end with that - preparing for the rehearsals took weeks and once started, the work never seemed to end. Work, work, work! The first couple of weeks of rehearsals were a little scary. Nothing seemed to make sense related to anything else and it was all so disjointed. But then one day, it all came together. And opening night happened, and it was all worth it. Six months after we started, it was all over, and bittersweetness took its place. Ever since, I have been trying to catch up on work, home, and sleep, particularly sleep. I did plenty of it this weekend and still feel pretty tired. My house is a shambles, my car is absolutely shameful, my work cube is a disorganized mess. I look around at the detritus and wonder how I will ever catch up. But I am proud of myself for a lot of reasons. I didn't once lose it with any of the cast members, even though I could have. There were a few truly difficult people, and I am learning how to deal with that and the idea of conflict, which terrifies me. And I learned what kind of leader I do not want to be. After being treated with condescension, rudeness, and disrespect, it made me appreciate the other 98% of the people I worked with all the more. All in all, I sacrificed my summer including time with my husband, gave up all of my free time, spent too much money, and neglected my other responsibilities. So would I do it agian? In a heartbeat.

Don't Tell Me How to Live (with my guns)

There has been a lot of talk lately about gun control, the Second Amendment, how no one should be able to get a gun, blah blah blah. As a responsible gun owner, I would like to talk about what I do with my guns, and my Second Amendment rights, and why I, as said responsible gun owner, resent how others tell me how I should live.

I am a woman living in a large city, so shit happens. There is various and sundry crime. I happen to feel safe in my neighborhood, even though it is the hood, but there are times when I am glad I have my guns available to me. And it's not just that. I like to shoot, and I shoot well. I also handle my weapons safely. I have taken and am certified to teach handgun safety. I've never breathed a sigh of relief when an accidental discharge barely missed someone. I've never assumed or handled my guns as if they weren't loaded. I've never killed, harmed, or injured anyone with my guns. I am one of those people who should have guns, because I don't use them to commit crimes. (Which brings me to another point - whatever race, religion, creed, dogma you happen to believe in, the golden rule should always be, "Don't be an asshole!" But that's another post.)

I am so tired of people telling me I should have my guns taken away. But I ask you this - when someone is in my house about to rape me or kill me, or do harm to someone in my family, am I supposed to hope and pray that maybe someone in our indifferent society is going to fly into my window wearing a cape and save me? Believe me, I'm no damsel, and I don't intend to become one. And another point - I don't carry a gun illegally, so don't tell me what to do inside my own house, the house that I bought and you didn't.

Now, I hope I am never faced with the decision of having to shoot someone. I don't want to take anyone's life in my hands, and I don't know if I could do it. But I will be damned if I let someone hurt me or someone I love. And if guns do become illegal, do criminals really stop and think to themselves, "Oh, guns are illegal, I better rob that house using harsh language."? Or do they use their ILLEGAL guns and charge in, knowing that I don't have a means with which to defend myself? And don't give me that crap about using a hammer, or a bat, or a knife. The point is not letting them get that close to me.

I know guns are not for everyone. I know many people who are scared to death of them, and I don't force the subject. As a matter of fact, I hardly ever talk about this at all because it is so controversial. But when people throw their opinions in my face, I'm going to say what I need to say. Your opinion, whatever it is, is totally valid to you, even if it is not necessarily to me, so as I respect your opinion, I expect the same of you. This is not a Republican issue, or a Democrat issue, a liberal, conservative, or moderate issue. It is a matter of butting into my business and telling what I can or cannot do.

And that is nonsense with of which I will not put.

Happy Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving is upon us, and there are a lot of things I am thankful for. Family, friends, having a life where I don't have to experience the horrors of the world. There is so much going on out there, and it's really scary. I wonder what the world is coming to, sometimes. Terrible things are in the news, people are homeless and hungry, homes are being destroyed, on and on and on. I would like to think I have perspective, but when I grumble about petty things, I realize I don't really, and thank my lucky stars that all I have to grumble about are petty things.

That being said, I haven't much cared for the holidays in the past. The holidays of my youth were spent with a stepfamily that treated me like crap. It was a drag and I was always glad when it was over and real life could resume. When we lost the kids, I looked upon the holidays with sadness and dread. It is such a cruel reminder of what was taken away from us, and it is a hole that cannot possibly be filled.

This year might be different. Although I miss the kids terribly, the pain and dread are not as acute as they have been in the past. I feel like I can breathe a little. My family is estranged, and I have come to terms with it; and have chosen a new family with which I can be myself. The realization of what a glorious gift that is hit me like a thunderbolt the other day, and I am so glad, lucky, and privileged to have these people in my life.

There will always be reminders and traces of ghosts over the holiday season. But I think this one will be an improvement on last year, and I think they will get better still.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

The Morning After

Halloween usually doesn't do much for me. It's usually any other day with the exception of giving out candy to the costumed trick-or-treaters in the evening. I eat my dinner and go to bed, just like normal.

Things were different this year. Our department decided to dress up this year and decorate with a comic book store/super hero theme. My friend JD and I pretty much came up with the decoration concepts and made the department look like a comic book store. Another group made a door that looked great. Everyone chose a character and we decorated our own cubes as the lair of our chosen hero. Seeing as there is no way I would dress up as Wonder Woman, or Black Widow, or Super Girl, I chose The Punisher. Dusted off my pleather boots, broke out the trenchcoat, applied copious amounts of eye makeup and donned my skull t-shirt. I felt pretty badass.

HR had a costume contest, department decoration contest, guess the number of candy corns in a jar, and guess the weight of the pumpkin. When Willy Wonka was named the runner up, I knew we were going to win because I thought their display was very nice - and we did! A catered lunch for the whole department, thanks to me and JD! And yes, I DO take the credit. Mwa haha!

Me as The Punisher

A great sign JD made

My geek sale sign

One of the display walls

We're going to have to think of something really good for next year. Maybe Monty Python's Holy Grail or something equally appalling. It is something to look forward to!



A Baby Brother for Dolce

So Art and I had been contemplating getting a male companion for Dolce. We met him and two of his litter mates on Saturday, and he made an immediate beeline for her. "Hi!" he seemed to say. "HIHIHI! Wanna play? I love you! When I grow up I'm gonna marry you! HI!" Dolce's reaction was, "WTF?!" But she was gentle and kind and seemed to really like him, so we brought him home.

We haven't fixed on a name yet, but the neighbor kids call him Ace. I like Max myself, but we'll see what fits. Max/Ace is a 6-week old American Staffordshire Terrier pup we scored off a guy who didn't spay his female or neuter his male and is now frantically searching for homes for nine puppies. This little guy is very cute, and he and Dolce seem to already love each other. After only a couple of days they cry if they can't see each other and not be together, and before we put their crates next to each other, he screamed and screamed. Now that they are together, he seems a lot happier and he reaches through the crate to smack Dolce in the face. She loves it.

I was surprised that Dolce was such a good sport about everything. She shares her toys, lets him eat and drink out of her bowls, and she herds him if he starts to wander around. She tries to scruff him but isn't quite sure how and ends up just shoving him around with her face. Outside she runs circles around him and they play quite happily. I am glad that when he gets bigger, she will have someone to play with that can keep up with her. Despite the lack of sleep and potty training, we are glad we brought him home.

His first visit to the vet went pretty well. In spite of the most impressive case of intestinal worms I have EVER seen in a dog, he is pretty healthy and now has his vaccinations scheduled. We'll get him neutered when he's six months, get a chip in him, and get him licensed. He doesn't know what a lucky little son of a gun he is.

At this point, I am just pleased we were able to give a needy pup a home, get Dolce a friend, and us a new family member. We're chock full now. And like I said three animals ago, NO MORE PETS!