Yesterday's matinee was the last showing of The Music Man, and it was bittersweet. I will miss working with the people I have met (most of them, anyway), and I miss the learning and fun. Perhaps this is just a sign of things to come and something else interesting will come my way. I hope so.
Not only did I learn a lot about musical theater, but about life in general. It made me recognize some ugly things about myself, but showed me some good as well. One thing I learned is that my own judgementalness is going to cripple me if I don't get a handle on it. Assumptions I made about people, with one exception, were wrong. They were always negative and hurtful, and I am a little ashamed of myself. Some things were validated, and I am a little ashamed of the smug satisfaction I got from that. However, my eyes are a little more open now, and I hope that I learned the lesson. There will always be people that bring out the ugly in me, but I am hoping I will turn that ugly into something productive.
I am also a little bugged that I didn't stand up to someone that was bullying the kids - an adult. A female adult. She liked to manhandle them and boss them around, and even though I told the director, it never really got better and I got more and more frustrated. It really took a lot of the experience away from me, and I can't allow that to happen in the future.
There were a lot more good things that came out of this. I have not felt like I am part of a team in a long time. This production was a huge team, and I was embraced, despite my lack of experience, as a full-fledged member. We were all trusted to do that which we needed to do to make the production run smoothly, and I am proud to have done my part. I got to meet and make new friends, which is extremely difficult for me due to a lot of confidence and trust issues. My heart has been slammed shut for a long time, but it's starting to open again, along with my eyes and my mind.
The Stepping Stone Players was a safe environment in which to step back onto the stage. I hope to continue on with them, as much as I hope to continue on my journey of self discovery.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Opening Night!
Tonight's the night! The Music Man opens with a performance at 7 p.m. If any of my thousands of loyal readers would like to come, you can get discount tickets here by using code "MMCast". Am I nervous? Not yet ... but the jitters will come in time.
This has been an amazing experience. I, the woman who wanted to be invisible, got way out of my comfort zone and made a huge time commitment that has me pretty worn out. But it's a great energy, I am working with really nice people, and I have made new friends.
One thing that has really stood out during this experience has been the talent of the kids involved. The older ones are so nice to the younger ones and help them out. They are all pretty together and make their cues, say their lines, and are a lot of fun to be around. As I am growing, I am honored to see them growing as well. In general, I am pretty awkward and uncomfortable around kids. My mom is a high school teacher, and the students (grossly generalizing) are disrespectful, foul-mouthed, and uncooperative. Every time I help her chaperone, I am amazed that she's not in jail. Working with the kids in this musical has been a completely different experience, and it has definitely shown me a perspective on the youth of today that I had forgotten exists. Recognizing that it is a different demographic is important, but I am grateful still, particularly because my eyes, mind, and heart are a little more open than they have been in a long time. These kids have worked so hard and even though they're not mine, I'm really proud of each and every one of them.
That being said, I'll see you at the curtain call! Break a leg, everyone!
This has been an amazing experience. I, the woman who wanted to be invisible, got way out of my comfort zone and made a huge time commitment that has me pretty worn out. But it's a great energy, I am working with really nice people, and I have made new friends.
One thing that has really stood out during this experience has been the talent of the kids involved. The older ones are so nice to the younger ones and help them out. They are all pretty together and make their cues, say their lines, and are a lot of fun to be around. As I am growing, I am honored to see them growing as well. In general, I am pretty awkward and uncomfortable around kids. My mom is a high school teacher, and the students (grossly generalizing) are disrespectful, foul-mouthed, and uncooperative. Every time I help her chaperone, I am amazed that she's not in jail. Working with the kids in this musical has been a completely different experience, and it has definitely shown me a perspective on the youth of today that I had forgotten exists. Recognizing that it is a different demographic is important, but I am grateful still, particularly because my eyes, mind, and heart are a little more open than they have been in a long time. These kids have worked so hard and even though they're not mine, I'm really proud of each and every one of them.
That being said, I'll see you at the curtain call! Break a leg, everyone!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Moving Violation!
I got pulled over this morning for turning off my GPS. Yes, turning off the GPS. The cop insists I was on the phone. When I told him that and showed him my GPS, he said that I was on the phone and wrote the ticket anyway. Then he had the nerve to tell me to drive safely. My driving record is pristine, despite a 50 mile one-way daily commute.
As a long-time proponent of law enforcement, I find myself continuously disappointed when I deal with them one on one. I know they're jaded and deal with the worst in humanity, and I know it's a hard job. But that doesn't mean they can't acknowledge a mistake. Quite frankly, they have never been around when I really needed them and when I had to find my cousins, they gave me the complete runaround, but the one time I do something even remotely questionable, I get pulled over and ticketed. The last time I got pulled over, which, mind you, was 9 YEARS AGO, I totally deserved it, and I paid my dues. This ticket was totally unnecessary, and I'll be fighting it.
The phone records indicate I was neither on the phone nor texting. My driving record is immaculate. The records have been printed and put in a folder along with a copy of the code, and I have marked the date in my calendar. All you had to do was acknowledge the mistake and issue a warning, but now I'll see you in court.
You messed with the wrong Asian.
As a long-time proponent of law enforcement, I find myself continuously disappointed when I deal with them one on one. I know they're jaded and deal with the worst in humanity, and I know it's a hard job. But that doesn't mean they can't acknowledge a mistake. Quite frankly, they have never been around when I really needed them and when I had to find my cousins, they gave me the complete runaround, but the one time I do something even remotely questionable, I get pulled over and ticketed. The last time I got pulled over, which, mind you, was 9 YEARS AGO, I totally deserved it, and I paid my dues. This ticket was totally unnecessary, and I'll be fighting it.
The phone records indicate I was neither on the phone nor texting. My driving record is immaculate. The records have been printed and put in a folder along with a copy of the code, and I have marked the date in my calendar. All you had to do was acknowledge the mistake and issue a warning, but now I'll see you in court.
You messed with the wrong Asian.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I Miss Them
It's coming up. I dread it every year. The day I got the call, the day I had to call the police and the hospitals trying to find my cousins. Having to tell my mother and my cousin that they were gone.
On August 27, 2008, My aunt's three children, Cristyn, Toni Marie, and Andrew, Cristyn's boyfriend Carlos, and their good friend Jason decided to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. Cristyn was at almost full-term pregnancy at the time. As she drove, she got caught between two cars that were allegedly racing, so she sped up to get out of the way. One of the drivers hit her, and her car struck a tree, killing her, the baby, Toni Marie, and Jason instantly. Andrew succumbed to his injuries the two days later.
The extended family, already tenuous at best, has since fallen apart. My Aunt and Uncle continue to be inconsolable, and understandably so. The house looks like a shrine - photos of the kids are everywhere, and grief hangs heavy. The counseling has helped, but it will never be the same as it was, and I sometimes feel so sad that I don't know how I will get out of it. Time has healed a lot, but the scars will never fade.
This has made me appreciate my life a lot more. I was hoping it would help solidify my familial relationships, but the opposite has happened and I am rarely in contact with any of them. There is only so much effort you can make, and only so many times you can be slapped in the face before you decide it's not worth it. There are moments where I remember them and the heartache overwhelms me, but I have more better days than not, and I try to remember the good times we shared.
I don't know what I believe about the afterlife. I don't know if I will ever see them again outside of my dreams, but they are always in my heart, and forever ingrained in my soul.
But God damn it, I miss them.
On August 27, 2008, My aunt's three children, Cristyn, Toni Marie, and Andrew, Cristyn's boyfriend Carlos, and their good friend Jason decided to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. Cristyn was at almost full-term pregnancy at the time. As she drove, she got caught between two cars that were allegedly racing, so she sped up to get out of the way. One of the drivers hit her, and her car struck a tree, killing her, the baby, Toni Marie, and Jason instantly. Andrew succumbed to his injuries the two days later.
The extended family, already tenuous at best, has since fallen apart. My Aunt and Uncle continue to be inconsolable, and understandably so. The house looks like a shrine - photos of the kids are everywhere, and grief hangs heavy. The counseling has helped, but it will never be the same as it was, and I sometimes feel so sad that I don't know how I will get out of it. Time has healed a lot, but the scars will never fade.
This has made me appreciate my life a lot more. I was hoping it would help solidify my familial relationships, but the opposite has happened and I am rarely in contact with any of them. There is only so much effort you can make, and only so many times you can be slapped in the face before you decide it's not worth it. There are moments where I remember them and the heartache overwhelms me, but I have more better days than not, and I try to remember the good times we shared.
I don't know what I believe about the afterlife. I don't know if I will ever see them again outside of my dreams, but they are always in my heart, and forever ingrained in my soul.
But God damn it, I miss them.
Friday, August 3, 2012
10 Things Life Has Taught Me
Of course, there are a lot more, but this list is what is hitting me today.
1. Defensive driving saves lives. On my way to work, I avoided three accidents because I was paying attention and giving people space. Sometimes things people do on the freeway really scare me.
2. Having given up on my dreams, I still cannot accept my reality. It's time to reevaluate what is working, what isn't, and work to make some changes. And to rediscover the my dreams.
3. Not all pit bulls are bad. I have been bitten by one who was terribly neglected, and it was more a plea for attention than anything else. HOWEVER, I have been bitten by way more cocker spaniels, chihuahuas, dalmations, labs, and poodles than I ever was by a pit bull. I know what they are capable of, but this used to be America's favorite dog until people effed 'em up.
4. Someone, somewhere loves you. It may not be the way you need them to, but they do as much as they can.
5. Someone, somewhere, is tired of your crap. That has been happening to me a lot lately, again, making me reevaluate, not only myself, but my relationships.
6. Losing weight is making me feel better. I am now at a 20 pound loss. The physical changes, besides a smaller clothing size, have been a decrease in my arthritic symptoms and my increased ability to exercise. I hardly ever flare up anymore, and my skin has been looking really good. For once, I don't look at the mirror and cringe.
7. Flexibility is important if you want to survive. Things happen no matter how well and carefully you plan something. I am glad that, once the initial shock and dismay wear off, that I am pretty good at figuring out what to do next and can find compromise without freaking out too badly.
8. You can build your own family. This comes after acceptance that your biological family is not healthy and cannot give you what you need. My chosen family is small, but I know I can count on them and would do anything for them. Except share my cheesecake. Never get between an Asian girl and her food.
9. Life is too short to spend in the car. See #2.
10. Don't let your relationship with another person determine the value you hold for yourself. I have been with people who made me feel awful and people who made me feel great. The truth is, people should not make you feel anything about yourself, and I needed to decide that I was going to be worth something to myself. It was very empowering. I care about myself, body and spirit, and for the first time in my life am nurturing both.
What has life taught you?
1. Defensive driving saves lives. On my way to work, I avoided three accidents because I was paying attention and giving people space. Sometimes things people do on the freeway really scare me.
2. Having given up on my dreams, I still cannot accept my reality. It's time to reevaluate what is working, what isn't, and work to make some changes. And to rediscover the my dreams.
3. Not all pit bulls are bad. I have been bitten by one who was terribly neglected, and it was more a plea for attention than anything else. HOWEVER, I have been bitten by way more cocker spaniels, chihuahuas, dalmations, labs, and poodles than I ever was by a pit bull. I know what they are capable of, but this used to be America's favorite dog until people effed 'em up.
4. Someone, somewhere loves you. It may not be the way you need them to, but they do as much as they can.
5. Someone, somewhere, is tired of your crap. That has been happening to me a lot lately, again, making me reevaluate, not only myself, but my relationships.
6. Losing weight is making me feel better. I am now at a 20 pound loss. The physical changes, besides a smaller clothing size, have been a decrease in my arthritic symptoms and my increased ability to exercise. I hardly ever flare up anymore, and my skin has been looking really good. For once, I don't look at the mirror and cringe.
7. Flexibility is important if you want to survive. Things happen no matter how well and carefully you plan something. I am glad that, once the initial shock and dismay wear off, that I am pretty good at figuring out what to do next and can find compromise without freaking out too badly.
8. You can build your own family. This comes after acceptance that your biological family is not healthy and cannot give you what you need. My chosen family is small, but I know I can count on them and would do anything for them. Except share my cheesecake. Never get between an Asian girl and her food.
9. Life is too short to spend in the car. See #2.
10. Don't let your relationship with another person determine the value you hold for yourself. I have been with people who made me feel awful and people who made me feel great. The truth is, people should not make you feel anything about yourself, and I needed to decide that I was going to be worth something to myself. It was very empowering. I care about myself, body and spirit, and for the first time in my life am nurturing both.
What has life taught you?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Dolcedolcedolce
After almost two years of being dogless, we decided to try again. Dolce came home with us on March 25 at 7 weeks old. She is now almost 6 months and will be getting spayed on Monday.
A cuter, happier dog was never conceived.
7 weeks, 4lbs. She literally fit in the palm of Art's hand.
9 weeks
9 weeks. Note size of tennis ball vs. her head.
8 weeks
14 weeks
5 1/2 months
An Overdue Return
Hello after a long absence! I started a new blog, but then read through this one and thought what a shame it would be to waste it. So here I am, back in the saddle again! It's been a long time, so I will give a quick update to my thousands of fans.
Still work at the same place processing contracts. Graduated from the forensic investigation program and discovered I need either a chemistry or biology degree to do what I want. Blech. Graduated from Paralegal school at UCLA. Performing in The Music Man as a Pick-a-Little lady in August. Took my dream trip to Scotland and will post belated pics. Owner of a new pit bull, not the one I referenced before, named Dolce who is the sweetest dog ever. She gets spayed on Monday. Fairly estranged from the extended family as I am tired of their antics. Ok, enough of that.
In the world, Obama is campaigning for his second term, the 2012 Olympics are underway in London, and there are no more co-pays for contraception.
Otherwise, work and rehearsals have taken up so much time I don't know what is going on. But I am having beaucoup fun with the musical. It was the first thing I had auditioned for since I was 12 and I was terrified! Still, I got cast and am having a great time. I even made a new friend, April, who encouraged me to blog, which leads me to this post. I'm in love with her two daughters, too, lovely girls who are also in the musical. Who knew branching out would be such a good thing?
This blatant misuse of company time must end, but I will be posting more often. Keep a look out for a food section, a photo section, and general social commentary.
And a good day to you all.
Still work at the same place processing contracts. Graduated from the forensic investigation program and discovered I need either a chemistry or biology degree to do what I want. Blech. Graduated from Paralegal school at UCLA. Performing in The Music Man as a Pick-a-Little lady in August. Took my dream trip to Scotland and will post belated pics. Owner of a new pit bull, not the one I referenced before, named Dolce who is the sweetest dog ever. She gets spayed on Monday. Fairly estranged from the extended family as I am tired of their antics. Ok, enough of that.
In the world, Obama is campaigning for his second term, the 2012 Olympics are underway in London, and there are no more co-pays for contraception.
Otherwise, work and rehearsals have taken up so much time I don't know what is going on. But I am having beaucoup fun with the musical. It was the first thing I had auditioned for since I was 12 and I was terrified! Still, I got cast and am having a great time. I even made a new friend, April, who encouraged me to blog, which leads me to this post. I'm in love with her two daughters, too, lovely girls who are also in the musical. Who knew branching out would be such a good thing?
This blatant misuse of company time must end, but I will be posting more often. Keep a look out for a food section, a photo section, and general social commentary.
And a good day to you all.
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