I Miss Them

It's coming up. I dread it every year. The day I got the call, the day I had to call the police and the hospitals trying to find my cousins. Having to tell my mother and my cousin that they were gone.

On August 27, 2008, My aunt's three children, Cristyn, Toni Marie, and Andrew, Cristyn's boyfriend Carlos, and their good friend Jason decided to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. Cristyn was at almost full-term pregnancy at the time. As she drove, she got caught between two cars that were allegedly racing, so she sped up to get out of the way. One of the drivers hit her, and her car struck a tree, killing her, the baby, Toni Marie, and Jason instantly. Andrew succumbed to his injuries the two days later.

The extended family, already tenuous at best, has since fallen apart. My Aunt and Uncle continue to be inconsolable, and understandably so. The house looks like a shrine - photos of the kids are everywhere, and grief hangs heavy. The counseling has helped, but it will never be the same as it was, and I sometimes feel so sad that I don't know how I will get out of it. Time has healed a lot, but the scars will never fade.

This has made me appreciate my life a lot more. I was hoping it would help solidify my familial relationships, but the opposite has happened and I am rarely in contact with any of them. There is only so much effort you can make, and only so many times you can be slapped in the face before you decide it's not worth it. There are moments where I remember them and the heartache overwhelms me, but I have more better days than not, and I try to remember the good times we shared.

I don't know what I believe about the afterlife. I don't know if I will ever see them again outside of my dreams, but they are always in my heart, and forever ingrained in my soul.

But God damn it, I miss them.